I am on phone alert today and for the first time in many years it feels ‘real’. I shall explain.

My Mum was admitted to hospital yesterday; she has been many times over recent months and is not a well lady. Now in the past these have been short visits for one reason or another and before too long she was back home and winging and moaning in her own unique style. Not this time it seems.

I had a call earlier yesterday to say that her GP is of the opinion she can no longer live alone and some kind of care needs to be found for her. I rolled my eyes as my brother relayed this information and could not help but comment that her ship had long sailed with me on that front. When we moved into this house, over a year ago now, it was with the view to her living with us. It had been chosen with her in mind and suitable downstairs accommodation was sought for her, this always going to be a difficult to find but we did. Plans were made and alterations were planned. My brother and his family prepared to move into her house and so the knock on from her move was substantial. I was not looking forward to it one little bit but the writing was on the wall a long time ago that this juncture would come.

When it came to actually moving she changed her mind and I was last to know! It was so infuriating but I won’t go on except to say that she made her own bed as she always has done and she was left to sit in it. I have 4 children with the youngest not even 3 yet and I live 50 miles away plus my husband works away from home a lot so I cannot be on call 24 hours. I have one pair of hands and they are always in motion.

A year on she has deteriorated considerably and no one could have prevented it. She had control but lives as she wishes and has aided her own demise. How sad?

So here we are standing by the phone wondering when/if the next call will be the one to send us all into a flat spin.

I wish lots of things when I think of my Mother, I wish things had been different on many levels, I wish she made better choices, I wish she did not suffer so and I wish it would end for her sooner rather than later, for her own sake….

…maybe I still have lessons to learn….I wait…..